Stroke Survivors Tattler: #Stroke Loss Cycle – Where are you? #Depression #Closure

Saturday, May 31, 2014

#Stroke Loss Cycle – Where are you? #Depression #Closure

May 23, 2014

Back in 2010 I was very much in the well-known denial phase of my illness. My no-word-of-a-lie thought, when I was told by my husband that I’d had a stroke in ICU was, ‘Don’t be bloody ridiculous, strokes happen to old people, not uber fit 39 year olds!’ Wrong. I was clearly very deluded.

Then, I morphed into Mrs Angry at the point I started to co-write my first, internationally published book -Running Free (Amazon). You see I had my life all mapped-out (being a control freak) and this certainly wasn’t in my plan! The injustices I suffered were acutely hurtful and I lashed out and often. My mantra. ‘How dare you all do that to me? ‘ ‘Do I mean so little to you all?’ Yet again I do acknowledge all the support for me/us in hospital during 2010 by loved-ones. It was totally amazing. However, I became appalled by some of the behaviour of so called loved-ones that I only later discovered, occurred far away from me in hospital. These dreadful events made me question just how popular I/we really were in our community after all. I knew, and openly acknowledged in all my media appearances, about all about the good things, how the village rallied, eg. cooked for my family, visited me etc, but not the lowness, selfishness and self-centred ness of some individuals at the time. We were an utterly broken family and some people shocked and disappointed me. Although none of the issues we faced were particularly unusual for most stroke survivors to have to deal with.

During this period I did became a crazed, impassioned stroke bore to friends and acted more impulsively than ever. Apparently most of these (excluding the ‘crazed’ bit) were actually very normal patterns of behaviour for brain injured people. Did I seem to overly love all the new found attention I received from the media? Honestly and sadly yes. But did I actively pursue national professional media opportunities during that period for free PR purposes for my global charity? Absolutely and I’m glad I did.

I got over the inflated ego bit quite quickly really, although I will always enjoy taking part in my interviews with Rony and always look to exploit fee PR opportunities for my charity.

Were people actually jealous of my sudden notoriety? Perhaps.

Then came my bargaining phase. I’d ruminate alone constantly about, ‘what if I’d gone to the hospital sooner with my headache?’ ‘What if I’d been more assertive with that ignorant, junior doctor?’ ‘What if I’d been running over the remote hills at the time of my stroke on my own?’ ‘What if I have another stroke?’ ‘Is that headache another stroke warning sign?’ etc.

After all that bargaining (and at the point I ran in the Percy Pud race in December 2011), I hit an emotional brick wall. I hit the acute depression stage. I was in emotional free-fall, with no one to help me or cushion my desperate fall, regularly unable to leave the house for personal activities. I was so lonely. (Hence, my irritation and anger in my second book, Gonna Fly Now!) I wanted to end my life alone with ‘Rocky’ and a brick wall. I lost all confidence, personal self-esteem, became isolated and was left out from my former social circles. Perhaps, my behaviour confused, perplexed and pushed old friends/acquaintances away? Did they not get my illness and my non people-pleasing’ behaviour?

I’m sure they thought I loved courting all the media attention rather too much? I accept that maybe it did initially go to my head, but mainly I was exploiting the free PR for my global charity. Consequently, I felt judged unfairly, misunderstood and low. Was I also pretty paranoid and irritable at that point? Hell yes, but that’s often typical for brain injured survivors and chronically depressed individuals.

In late 2013, I finally hit my acceptance stage. Phew! Actually, that was pretty damn quick in the scheme of things, but then again, isn’t that me all over? I AM IMPERFECT. Most of my new imperfections were not my fault. I am not normal, who is? I am also a far nicer, selfless person who has both natural compassion and empathy, with a better perspective on life. I like my own space and especially have empathy for people who have suffered severely. I love to exercise to keep me on an even keel. I have honed my paid speaking skills. Also I am better organised with both my paid and voluntary work commitments which I adore. My speaking career is growing every week, which gives me a real buzz. My relationship with my wider family and some friends has improved.

But I also know who my real friends are. I have never realised the difference between a friend and an acquaintance or someone who just knew me. But now I do. My old school mates have been AMAZING! I firmly believe that those friends and family who were there for me at my worst, deserve to be there with me, at at my best. I was once told ‘to let it go’. Indeed I knew that was the theory, but in reality you can only do it when time heals you. I haven’t talked ‘stroke’ unless I’m specifically asked a direct stroke question by non-stroke folk since 2012. 2012 was my annus horribilis Take Two! (The first being the whole of 2010). Life will have it’s ups and downs, that’s only natural, but I’m better equipped to deal with life’s hiccups now! (And what can sometimes be challenging teenagers ! :-) :-) :-) ) I also believe what goes around, comes around. For example, I’m so glad my bessie-mate came with me join me on the fancy Cunard cruise recently! Since I spelt out to her in rehab ‘stand by me,’ she pretty much has over the last 4.5 years. A tough act to follow given her own family/work/health responsibilities. I’ve learnt to minimise both my exposure to social situations/interactions and to people who always seem to make me feel so dreadfully stroke-low. I don’t need a relapse! So my strategy is working well. I am the ultimate come back kid and Marmite girl – love me or hate me? I like me now and if you don’t, frankly I don’t care, it’s your problem. I am happier now. You could say that I’ve got the t-shirt with this whole loss-cycle thing, but I emerge far, far stronger than before. This blog gives me final closure now. But my real priority here, is that my reasoned and total honesty (as opposed to me over-thinking my loss cycle) will inspire you to make sense of how you are feeling right now and that you take support/comfort and HOPE from my stroke blog.