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| Barb Polan Barb’s Recovery |
Today is the 5th anniversary of me having a stroke, the anniversary of the worst thing that ever happened to me. Of course, enormous good has been revealed through this ordeal – the importance of gratitude, admiration for the strength of others undergoing awful ordeals with grace, and the evidence of just how supportive my friends and family are.
I find this anniversary a sad event. Other stroke survivors celebrate the day – grateful they got a second chance at life. Those survivors view their anniversaries as “re-birthdays,” the chance to start again. I don’t – I view it as having wrecked my perfect life.
What might help someone relate to my view is to think of the passing of a favorite pet (let’s suppose it’s a dog). Your beloved dog dies. Sure, the new puppy is adorable (what puppy isn’t?), but it’s really not the same. The puppy cuddles with you, tickles you by licking your jawline, and brings you joy. But it takes a lot of time and work to train it.
And, most of all, although you adore your new puppy and the dog it becomes, the new dog does not replace the beloved old one. You still miss the one who’s gone.
Instead of celebrating a landmark, I try to focus on how far I’ve come since being a zombie unable to sit on the edge of my hospital bed.
To commemorate the anniversary and prove to myself that I am progressing, I compare my abilities to the previous year and try to do something I haven’t done since the stroke.
Then we go out to a restaurant that provides huge portions of comfort food. I try not to overeat, but their seafood casserole and their Delmonico potatoes are divine.
This year, the new goal I worked on was to do the back crawl. Although I worked on it 3 times a week for a year, I had therapy yesterday and still wasn’t able to straighten my arm as it came out of the water. I could do the back crawl with my right arm in perfect form, but my left arm doing it correctly only up to my bent elbow. I did not successfully reach my goal, but was very close, and lots better than when I started a year ago, when I could only lift my shoulder a bit.
I finished yesterday’s session doing an exercise to help me improve my future performance – my PT insisted on 11 sets of 10 reps. Accomplished. And my trapezius muscle is sore today. Perfect.
I’m going to try the back crawl again tomorrow (my next therapy session), which my PT calls my “anniversary” attempt, because it’s close enough to the date.
To stick to my tradition of “firsts,” my first for today – the real anniversary - I walked up a flight of stairs left foot first.
Everyone with a bad leg is instructed to go up/down stairs with the good leg “going up to heaven,” and the bad going “down to hell.” As a result, for five years, I have taken every step up good (right) foot first, with the bad landing right next to it. And down the steps, I go bad (left) foot first, with the right landing next to it.
Walking up bad leg first is a bear, but I did a flight that way this morning. As always, my steps were not pretty – some circumduction in every one – but I successfully got to the top of 18 steps.
And, later today, I’m having the seafood casserole.
Tomorrow, I’ll make another attempt at the back crawl. Even if I’m not successful tomorrow, eventually I’ll be able to do the back crawl – I can predict that based on how far I’ve come in the past year.
I can’t do it … yet.
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