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| Barb Polan Barb's Recovery |
When I was in Spaulding Rehab, it made me envious that other stroke survivors could do more than I could: my roommate could use a walker with wheels, holding on with both hands, PLUS she got to get out of bed and go into the bathroom by herself; the 22-year-old across the hall had an "I" written on her whiteboard, indicating that she was independent, while my whiteboard was filled with a list of everything I needed help with - exactly everything, except eating, which I have always been exceptional at; I played a game with a woman who had a stroke the week after I did - I could bat the ballon toward her using just my right hand, while she could use either, depending on where the balloon was. My solution was to whack the balloon at her just as hard as I could. Not a very good sport, was I?
I kept asking my physiatrist why my deficits were so much worse than others' and I repeatedly got the infuriating answer, "Every patient is different; every stroke is different; every recovery is different." Finally one day, his answer changed and he beckoned my husband and me to follow him. He took us to a computer at a nurses' station and called up my MRI. According to him, the white areas showed damage - my entire right hemisphere was shaded white, with scattered regions that were intensely white; the penumbra (the slightly whacked area) was the lighter and the dead areas were white-white. None of it looked like my left hemisphere, which was also displayed in the MRI. Later, the doctor told me that that my encounter with the MRI was the only time he ever saw me cry while I was at Spaulding. He was right that the visual impact hit me hard, but I know I cried other times because I had the same red-rimmed shell-shocked eyes that every other stroke survivor there had. We all wondered how we got singled out for this particular nightmare.
Whenever I let the slow speed of my recovery - and it's ironic that "speed" and "my recovery" are ever in the same sentence - get me down, my husband reminds me of the severity of the stroke I had.
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