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| Barb Polan Barb's Recovery |
Marcelle Greene (at upstroke.blogspot.com) wrote an entry in June about “Problems with goals.” At the time, it sounded similar to what I had in the diaspora in my head; in fact, she and I have previously responded to each other’s posts along the lines of: “I wish I had written this.”
My particular struggle, though, is not with goals, but with deadlines. In newspapers, there are “soft” deadlines: if an article or photo isn’t submitted by the requested deadline, in reality, the publication can wait for it, or the deadline was actually soft (i.e., fake) – coming in late just means the publisher doesn’t know it’s going to be in on time and alternative plans are made. A “hard” deadline, though, means, “Too bad, the paper was laid out without your piece, and the ink just hit the newsprint, so your submission ain’t in it. You are shit out of luck.” That didn't mean, though, that it couldn't run in the next issue.
In stroke rehab, it’s great to have goals: We all know what we want from rehab and set goals based on that. The trouble is in the deadline, and whether we make it a goal with a hard or a soft self-imposed deadline. When I had the stroke, I understood that recovering my capabilities was going to take a lot of hard work – and you know what? Hard work was okay; I knew how to do hard work, and I had done it in the past. I knew I wanted to be able to row again, and at first I thought my “hard work” was going to get me back rowing in a reasonable amount of time – for the upcoming season (2010, then, 6 months away), certainly; but, pessimistically (which I am not), next season (2011). And here it is, approaching the end of the 2013 season, without me being able to row for real.
Each year, as I have missed my goal, I have also missed my internal deadline. The goal is not the problem: it’s admirable, challenging – and perhaps even doable. The deadlines have been unreasonable, apparently. Most of the time I feel I am only slightly nearer rowing now than I was when I was released from rehab – the goal keeps eluding my grasp. What I thought I could do in six months I have failed to accomplish in 4 years.
Recently, when considering what new activity I would accomplish on the fourth anniversary of my having a stroke, I decided on treading water without flotation for 15 minutes. At the time, my aquatic PT discouraged me, saying that it’s very hard for a person with 4 useable limbs to tread water that long. Given that I respond to being discouraged by rising to the challenge, I decided that was definitely what I would shoot for. It seemed easy enough to start with a short amount of time, then build my strength and endurance little by little, as I had increased my time on the rowing machine from 5 minutes to an hour at an increase of just 5 minutes per week. I had gotten there, why not treading water?
When it came to treading water, my unaffected knee – with its torn meniscus, bone spurs, ligament instability and arthritis from 4 years of faithfully bearing my weight– became a problem, its pain and swelling interfering with the amount of time I could tread water. Still working toward my goal meant lying in bed at night with a throbbing knee, having trouble completing my daily walk, and wondering how I can give up my goal of treading water for 15 minutes on my 4th anniversary in November without feeling as though I’ve given up. We all know I must not “give up.”
So, which do I jettison – the goal or the deadline?
I know of a two-time stroke survivor who runs 5k’s with her daughter. When she was on schedule for a recent one, she hurt her affected knee, and that blew her running schedule. Her knee has recovered and she is still running, despite missing a run, and no one thinks she “gave up.” Sometimes a goal or deadline adjustment is wise, not a failure.
There’s the solution to my dilemma: As in my rowing, I’ll change the deadline, not the goal, and, continuing to work on that goal, choose a different goal for my anniversary.
What would be the equivalent of my original goal, but not demand so much from my knee? According to my PT, I could swim on my back instead – keeping myself up horizontal is less demanding of my knee than keeping me vertical.
So, same deadline, new goal?
If, on my 4th anniversary, I were to swim without flotation for 15 minutes, it will be a first for me. THAT has always been my goal anyway.
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