 |
| Barb Polan Barb's Recovery |
People generally know the term “survivors guilt,” referring to guilt felt by some people who survive a trauma that results in another person dying or suffering some other way.
A common example to explain the emotion is what’s felt by someone who misses a plane that ends up crashing. The one who missed the plane feels guilty that others died while he/she lived. "Why was I saved when the others were not?" The guilt is exacerbated if the survivor knew one of the dead; additionally if he/she had had negative feelings toward the dead before the plane departed. For example, a child who screams, “I wish you were dead,” to a parent who subsequently dies in a car accident, often feels guilt. All of us know, though, that the child’s anger had nothing to do with the parent’s death.
Similarly, if I and someone else have strokes, and the other dies, I can feel survivors guilt. "Why did I live while the other died?" A survivor can feel it despite not being responsible for the other’s death.
Stroke survivors frequently help me look at situations in a novel way. Recently, one used the phrase “recoverers guilt,” and it opened my eyes to a concept that is counter-intuitive: Do stroke survivors who recover well feel guilty about others who don’t?
Counter-intuitive because, in the same way that plane-crash survivors logically are expected to be happy that they lived, recoverers are assumed to be happy that they recovered. But, if there is recoverers guilt similar to survivors guilt, that would not always the case.
Being disabled by stroke – or any other medical condition – is a challenge that not everyone recovers from – both physically and/or emotionally. But some do; there are even outliers who recover to a physical condition even better than they were beforehand: running ultramarathons and participating in other physical endeavors that are difficult for anyone, even those who are not disabled. And some who recover emotionally even better than they were: depression treated; having a sense of purpose; and/or undergoing psychotherapy.
What would recoverers guilt look like? In my own case, I still am not able to use my left arm/hand or to walk in the community without aid; i.e., my recovery has fallen short of my goals. There are several things I dream of doing eventually that other survivors I know already can: hold a glass of water, use two hands to zip a jacket (my zipping involves one hand and my mouth), walk without aid and with a normal gait, run, swim laps, and walk my dog. Recovery guilt would make those who can do those activities feel guilty that they can and I cannot. Their outlook: “Why can I do this when Barb does the same therapy and cannot do it?”
My life is very pleasant, and I am happy with what I've been able to recover so far. What I can do now that I could not four years ago include walking with a brace, but no cane; driving up to two hours; going to the grocery store; making dinner (even meatballs); going out alone into the community; and Christmas shopping by myself. Recoverers guilt would make me feel guilty that I can do those activities when others cannot.
As emotions go, I don’t feel guilt very often, though. I rejected guilt long ago, in the same package as believing that I “should” do something. It might be selfish, but for many years I have limited myself to doing what I “want” to do, what I “need” to do, and what I “expect” myself to do; everything else has been optional.
Even so, I feel guilt sometimes – generally when I do something awful and regret it. Guilt departs with an apology and reparation, if needed.
My attitude toward guilt gives recovery guilt a new spin: I reject feeling guilty - my recovery is not interfering with anyone else’s or based on anything awful I did; nor am I responsible for someone else’s inability to do something that I can. In fact, in my own way, I believe I help others by being encouraging. That is the only way I can see to help, so I want to be encouraging.
Of course, recognizing something intellectually and committing it to our hearts are entirely different – one can KNOW something to be true without FEELING that it is. We all know that life is unfair, but we can still be broken-hearted when life is unfair. Any survivor can know he/she is not responsible for another's difficulties, but can feel guilty anyway.
See the original article:
in
No comments:
Post a Comment