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| Leslie Living After Stroke |
Traveling with Stroke Deficits; A Rude Awakening - Traveling with stroke deficits is bittersweet. Instead of small hiccups during fun times, it’s constant hiccups with fleeting moments of pleasure.It’s been an interesting weekend. Not one I really want to repeat anytime soon. It more than confirmed my need to hibernate and isolate myself.
Here’s how it started (written in-car on phone):
We’re on our way out-of-town and just passed my all time favorite place. The one place I have tremendous trouble accepting I won’t go again.
I’ve always hated Ohio but the one good thing about it was living an hour from Cedar Point.
Traveling with Stroke Deficits; A Rude Awakening - Traveling with stroke deficits is bittersweet. Instead of small hiccups during fun times, it’s constant hiccups with fleeting moments of pleasure.
It was one of the first places Freddy and I went together. Season passes meant if it was too crowded, we could leave and return another time. It was our go-to place. At least once a year we would spend a couple of nights there. We’d throw in some Put-In-Bay time too.
When OT’s would ask about my hobbies to help me adapt to do them, all I could think of is my only hobby was riding coasters.
Driving by it makes me sad.
Uhoh. I’m noticing a trend. First, I’m sad about typing one-handed and now no more coasters.
That’s 2 sads in one week. Hmmmm.
This short trip already has a couple other sads too. One being that I’m not driving. I was the long distance driver, Freddy’s driving kinda scares me.
The other sad is we’re going near Detroit and I used to go to Motor City to gamble. No more money, no more video poker.
Not that I should be playing anyways. I am a compulsive gambler. But it’s out of my hands completely now. I can’t get myself to a casino and Freddy doesn’t gamble.
The Rest of the Weekend
I try to do “normal” things but I’m not sure “normal” is worth it.
• Increased pain
• Intensified discomfort
• Extreme exhaustion
• Hatred Of public (so-called handicap accessible) restrooms
• Carpet
• Reminders of what life should be like
I know public places can’t account for every disability but I understand why I rarely see people like me in public.
I want to stay home forever.
I don’t really. I want to do “normal” things. I want to experience life. It’s just so damn hard and painful that I’d rather stay home where I can manage the pain, discomfort, and not have constant reminders of everything I’m unable to do.
Traveling with Stroke Deficits; A Rude Awakening - Traveling with stroke deficits is bittersweet. Instead of small hiccups during fun times, it’s constant hiccups with fleeting moments of pleasure.
We spent time with my sister and her family. Freddy and I saw a movie (we haven’t done that in years). My sister and I spent some good one on one time talking when she took me outside to smoke on Saturday night (damn non-smoking hotels).
On Sunday, we all went to Greenfield Village. The weather was amazing, absolutely perfect. Neave had a great time with Freddy exploring, learning, and playing.
Maclaine and I got ice cream and drove the scooter at top speed; it went pretty fast. Our hair was blowing in the wind we created; she loved it! It was nice feeling like the “fun” aunt again for a minute.
Traveling with Stroke Deficits; A Rude Awakening - Traveling with stroke deficits is bittersweet. Instead of small hiccups during fun times, it’s constant hiccups with fleeting moments of pleasure.
I had a nice time with everyone.
I wish I stayed home.
I don’t understand why I’m so different at home. My leg isn’t as stiff; my foot is flatter, my arm a little lighter, and my desire to completely disappear weaker.
I’m still uncomfortable and pain filled but just passing through the door to the house made everything a little better.
Recluse, I will stay.
This weekend definitely brought a renewed appreciation for my bed, bathroom and hardwood floors.
Is it wrong of me to be ok with being a recluse? Well I’m not really ok with it but I can accept it as I wait for my time here to end.
It’s actually not a far leap for me to be a hermit; I’m an introvert.
Being around too many people for too long has always been emotionally draining for me. Now being drained takes on a new physical dimension as well.
Maybe that’s why all my issues intensify when I leave my safe haven called home.
It makes sense. Intensified emotions always increase my physical issues and being around others has always intensified my emotions.
I just finished catching up with my Facebook group’s posts and came across one whose spouse wants to leave him cause she says he changed. By the way, if you’re in enough groups, you can find a similar thread daily. It’s very sad.
As usual, members offered support mainly stating how horrible the spouse was for not understanding, sticking it out, being supportive, etc.
This happens all too often and I can feel their pain and fear but I have trouble relating to situations like his. I suppose I’d feel differently if Freddy wanted to bail on me. I think some of it comes from me enjoying being alone.
I want Freddy to leave me. I don’t want him to spend the remainder of his life living this way with me. This weekend further reinforced my belief.
It’s bad enough I have no choice to live like this, but he does. He should fully enjoy the years he has left. I’m not fun. I’m a chore. I’m restrictive. I have changed.
He’s given up the boat, rescuing dogs, and fun. He’s gained my chores, a lunatic for a partner, and no down time. It’s wrong.
When we got home, I went straight to the bathroom and climbed in bed. He unloaded the car, unpacked, emptied the dishwasher, did the boys dishes from the weekend (not cool boys), then made me some eggs for dinner.
I didn’t help at all.
Till next time - Have Wonderful Days - Leslie
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