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| Leslie Living After Stroke |
I was flattered to be asked but I delayed responding to John for a couple of days. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be noticed. I know, I’m already putting myself out there for anyone to see. Why the hesitation?
Virtual Friends: More Valuable than They Appear. Loneliness is a common feeling among stroke survivors. Friends and family seem to drift away. Alleviate some of the loneliness by discovering the virtual stroke community.
Reading survivor blogs was my first experience with the online stroke world.
I think stroke survivor bloggers are AMAZING for sharing, inspiring, motivating, informing, and inviting us into their lives.
They helped me tremendously. Even though they don’t know me, I feel like I know them, as if they’re long distance friends.
Well, if I throw myself into the blog world and people like me read my posts but don’t interact, how weird is that. People will know me but I won’t know them. There may even be people who think of me as a long-distance friend, when I don’t even know they’re reading my ramblings.
Truth be Told
My real hesitation lies with the fact that I just don’t feel like I’m in a league with those I’ve followed for the past 2 years, many of whom are on the Stroke Survivors Tattler too.
I decided, with the help of a few friends, that it was time to jump in wholeheartedly. You know, time to shit or get off the pot.
Well this is me shitting.
When I told my friends I said yes, I jokingly commented that now I have to think of something to write.
One of them said, “write about us”. It immediately felt right, so here we are.
This one’s for you, the person more uncomfortable with exposure than me. So much so, that I’d never dare mention even her first name here for fear of her disowning me. However, right now as I’m looking for pics to add to this post, she requested a visual representation. Little did she know, I’d comply! :-)
Virtual friends
I don’t hide that I think Facebook support groups are a great resource. A resource that belongs in every stroke survivor’s toolbox.
The main reason they’re so important isn’t for any of the many reasons I’ve already written about.
They’re great because of the friends you can make.
Virtual Friends: More Valuable than They Appear. Loneliness is a common feeling among stroke survivors. Friends and family seem to drift away. Alleviate some of the loneliness by discovering the virtual stroke community.
When you participate in group discussions you notice people who you relate to more than others for one reason or another. Maybe it’s their humor or obvious caring for others. Maybe it’s their shyness or bluntness. Maybe it’s their smart ass attitude. Maybe it’s their interests or hobbies. Maybe it’s their optimistic and positive attitude. Maybe it’s their sadness or struggle. Maybe you have common likes or dislikes. Maybe you live in the same area or worked in the same field.
For whatever reason, you’re drawn to some more than others. It’s exactly like in-person bonding with some coworkers, classmates, or professional acquaintances, over others.
Once you notice the ones you think you’d get along with, friend them and start chatting. It’s like getting someone’s phone number in person.
Just like in “real” life you won’t talk for long with some of the virtual people you befriend.
However you will find a handful that you will chat with more often and develop deeper friendships.
I didn’t understand this pre-stroke – meeting people online. It didn’t make sense to me why people valued those relationships so much. To me they felt distant. Like an acquaintance.
They were people you randomly caught up with. You asked how everything was going or how the kids were doing or if the vacation they just posted pics of was fun, etc. The conversations were exchanges of niceties.
Virtual friends weren’t people you talked about deep thoughts. You didn’t know the specifics of their life, their families, their pet’s names, the kind of foods they like to eat, or their dreams of the future.
Except for one woman I reached out to in my field, met in person shortly after, and began video chatting with weekly. However, I considered that fluke.
Lesson Learned
I’ve learned otherwise. Over the past 2 years of being in groups, I have found some great people. People I intend to sit face to face with one day.
I’ve learned friendship isn’t about how often you see someone or hang out with them.
Actually I’ve always known that. I can go forever without seeing close friends and I always feel they’re close.
I guess what I really learned is that you can have deep meaningful relationships with someone you never met.
It’s these deeper friendships that are important. The day in and day out communications. They get to know your history and you theirs. You get to know about their families, their pre-stroke and post-stroke lives, their strokes and issues. They are there for you and you for them on so many different levels and topics. So what if you didn’t help them move, attend the same party, or share other physical experiences.
You listen to each other, help each other through the rough patches, and celebrate each other’s successes! That’s what counts.
You can even meet some of them in person, if you’re lucky. I’ve met 2 so far!
I’ve been Very Fortunate
I’ve found quite a few of these friends. Three of them actually fit so well together, we have our own secret group. At first one of them said I just wanted to consolidate them to cut down on retelling something to each of them. I don’t think she feels that way anymore, we’re a good fit!
Virtual Friends: More Valuable than They Appear. Loneliness is a common feeling among stroke survivors. Friends and family seem to drift away. Alleviate some of the loneliness by discovering the virtual stroke community.I still talk to each of them individually and we still participate in our main support group. The difference is that having our own group is almost like us all going out for a drink and sitting around a table socializing. The conversations are no different. If we ever got the chance to get together in person, I have no doubt, we’d close the place.
We share the good and the bad. We ask for and give advice. We check on each other when we’re MIA for a day or 2. We pick on each other and laugh together.
I think they know me better than friends of many years.
Making Friends
Don’t just join a group for all the reasons I talk about here. Join a group to find the friends that will delete the loneliness from your life.
Loneliness is one of the biggest complaints I hear from survivors.
Open your mind to what friendship really means, develop new relationships. Reach out to others and create much-needed friendships.
Don’t waste anymore time being like me and minimizing the value of virtual friends; expand your definition of friend. Many people believe a real friend is someone who can sit in front of you. Someone you can touch. That’s not true.
If you’re in support groups and can still say you’re lonely and have no friends, you just haven’t reached out to any or taken the time to get to know someone who reached out to you.
Thank You
Thank You Because I believe everything happens for a reason and I haven’t discovered a reason for this damn stroke yet, I’m gonna believe that I had one to meet all of you!
You’re all awesome!!
Challenge
I usually ask a question at the end of a post but not today. Today I’m presenting you with a challenge.
I challenge anyone reading this to reach out to someone you want to get to know better.
All you have to do is friend them and then privately message them. You could say almost anything.
A few suggestions for those who aren’t used to reaching out to others (I was you once):
- Hey I noticed we have many of the same thought processes; elaborate on one of them and ask a related question.
- I really related to what you said in that thread; add how you related and ask a question.
- I was a _________ too (fill in blank with your occupation); did you go back to work?
- I have that issue too; how do you deal with it or how did you overcome it or doesn’t it just fucking suck?
- If you find someone struggling: It sounds like you could use an ear, wanna chat?
- For someone you’d like to emulate: You always seem so positive, were you always optimistic? How did you overcome ______________? (fill in the blank with something you may be struggling with)
You’ll find most people are very open to chatting and elaborating. Asking questions leads to deeper conversations, which leads to less feelings of loneliness.
Some won’t respond with much and the conversation will be short. You’ll also find others where the conversation goes on forever from one topic to another.
Those are your new friends. Make sure you contact them again to continue developing the friendships. Don’t be shy and wait for them to contact you; you’ll only hurt yourself.
Both, group and private interaction are helpful, but the deeper relationships are the ones that lessen the loneliness.
So take the challenge and reach out to your possible new best friend.
If you’re not in a virtual support group yet, join one today!
You won’t regret it!
Till next time - Have Wonderful Days - Leslie
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